Stress isn't just for kids any more

SIRI AGRELL

From Thursday's Globe and Mail

August 30, 2007 at 8:39 AM EDT

"He panicked about it so much he can hardly relax now," said the Vancouver mother of three. "They just get stressed out."

But children are not the only ones who feel their stress levels rise at this time of year. As parents become more focused on trying to ease their kids' transition back to school - assigning summer reading lists, arranging pre-emptive play dates and private tours of the classroom before the bell even rings for the first time - many find they have even more to do than usual, and see their own stress levels rise even higher as a result.

"I have to get everything ready, the forms, the uniforms, and then I get stressed hoping they're going to be happy," said Ms. Kertland, whose kids are 4, 8 and 10. "It's crazy because you have to kind of psych them up for school."

"Returning to work after a vacation, transitioning your children to a new school, even fighting a busier rush hour as schools reopen, can all contribute to an increased stress level," APA psychologist Dr. Ron Palomares wrote in a bulletin to members.

Dr. Ester Cole, past president of the Ontario Psychological Association, said families must move away from the idea of wringing every last second out of the summer. Late-August vacations or trips to the cottage can be fun, she said, but leave little time for back-to-school prep and force people to cram too much activity into the final days before term.

"So much has to be organized," she said. "Returning from camp, buying clothes, supplies, wanting to know who is going to be in your class and who is going to be your teacher. It's too much for one week."

And Dr. Cole said adults are just as likely to fall victim to pre-September anxiety, stressing out their kids by proxy.

"There are people who can be very focused on what needs to be done and keep an even temper," she said. "But others become stressed themselves, and then the child is learning from a parent who is having trouble coping."

But dealing effectively with the back-to-school rush means dragging the process out, scheduling in time to talk to kids about their fears, making appointments for school visits and gradually reintroducing structured days before August is even over.

For some children, the summer is a very long time to be out of school, Dr. Cole says in defence of the idea of early preparation. "They need a bridging back."

Dr. Oren Amitay, an assistant professor of psychology at Ryerson University, has a daughter who is starting Grade 1 this year, and said the stress is apparent among her peer group and their parents.

"You can feel this palpable tension rising in our whole neighbourhood," he said.

The root of the problem, he said, is the loss of control associated with going back into the school environment. Kids who have been used to leisure time during the summer break resent returning to a schedule, and need parents to wean them back on to the routine.

"My kids go to bed quite late, so we're slowly getting them back to a regular schedule," he said.

But that process can put even more pressure on parents, requiring them to introduce structure to their own final lazy days of summer.

Ms. Kertland said she plans to spend parts of this week talking to her children about what they would like to have for brown-bag lunches during the coming term, but beyond that, she said it is easier on everyone to just dive back in to a school schedule headfirst.

"I'm not really that organized," said Ms. Kertland. "I'm mostly just letting the kids hang out and play."

Next Tuesday in Globe Life, our teen columnist, Anthony Wolf, weighs in on how to manage your teenagers' back-to-school stress - and how not to add to it.

*****

How to stay mellow in September

1) Start preparing your kids for school at least a week before it starts. Shop for clothes, groceries and back-to-school supplies that are needed. Practise the route to school so they know how to get there safely. If possible, meet the teachers and visit the school with them ahead of time, especially for kids who are more anxious or are going to a new school.

2) Have your kids get back into their school-time schedule, including a regular sleeping routine and morning and evening rituals, such as making lunch or setting clothes out the night before.

3) Prepare a "Must Know" list for the teacher, school office or day-care staff, such as allergies, illnesses and physical limitations.

4) Remind your kids that you are there for them at all times. Send a little note with them in their lunch boxes or give them a small object from home to comfort them if they feel anxious when at school.

5) Listen carefully and respectfully to your children when they talk, and watch for signs of stress - both before school starts and several weeks after school begins. This can include whining, crying, nail-biting, fighting, lack of appetite, headache, stomach-ache, disturbed sleep and fatigue. Don't forget to ask your kids if they have any concerns or worries about the new school year.

6) Be careful not to overload your child with too many competitive activities outside of school. Sometimes the best cure for stress is just to have some quiet time. Kids also need some time on their own.

7) Maintain an optimistic outlook yourself. Don't complain about a teacher or the school in front of your children. Watch also that your own stress at this time of year does not negatively affect your children - they will pick up on your reactions and this can create even more anxiety for them.

Source: The Psychology Foundation of Canada