With Father's Day approaching, it's time for a fresh round of books about how to be a better man. While much of the advice aims for laughs (how to beat BO, how to open a jammed jar like a Greek god), the latest titles conjure images of multitasking superheros who can not only cradle a baby but fend off a bear. Here are some of the best tips from the latst titles.
Equal opportunity guy
When ironing a shirt, channel your mom: Spritz dry garments with water and iron dark ones inside out. Try pressing everything you need for the week on Sunday nights; turn the hockey game on, if you must.
Hapless dad
Want to handle your baby with the finesse of a mother of three? Support that feeble neck, man. “Having a boiling cup of tea spill over in your lap, watching the greatest goal ever or even getting hit by a truck doesn’t excuse you from not supporting that head.”
The urban survivalist
How to survive your first Starbucks experience: “Practise your pronunciation and use of the terminology. You need to be quick, as any inept mumbling can result in misunderstanding and humiliation.”
The outdoor survivalist
It's never too late to learn how to build a campfire like a Boy Scout: Ball up combustible material for the centre of your teepee shape, and place smaller sticks and then larger logs around. Don’t attempt to cook anything over a bonfire-sized flame, Rambo.
The gentle man
Did you mess up? Here's how to choose the flowers that will make everything right: “Daisies mark new beginnings. Hydrangeas represent understanding, tulips and hyacinths forgiveness and bluebells suggest sorrowful regret.”
The Modern Gentleman, 2nd Edition: A Guide to Essential Manners, Savvy and Vice by Phineas Mollod and Jason Tesauro
Equal opportunity guy
Be the health inspector in your kitchen. “Dish sponges shouldn’t be emissaries of germs consigned to double duty: Nominate one for the sink, another for counter tasks, and microwave them periodically to disinfect.”
The hapless dad
This dandy-esque handbook ends on Chapter 12, Beyond Bachelorhood, with notes on being a good husband – monogamy helps. You’ll need to wait for the second volume for diaper rash tips.
The urban survivalist
Master the solitary drink and steal some me time. “After a lazy half-day of work, recline and order a bottle of beer or a sipping bourbon. The bar is probably empty, save for a few school teachers decompressing and gossiping.”
The outdoor survivalist
Skinny-dipping reinforces bonds in nature, but play it cool. “Despite primal urges to take to the bleacher seats with binoculars and peanuts, glance but furtively upon disrobing others.”
The gentle man
Consider your lair when hosting a lady. “Garnish corners, empty spaces and windowsills with cacti, pottery or heartifact curiosities.” Stack enough towels to “soak up Noah's deluge.” Oh, and hide your bedside lotion and motivational plaques.
Man Up! 367 Classic Skills for the Modern Guy by Paul O'Donnell
Equal opportunity guy
Laundry can be “foolproof,” Mr. O’Donnell promises. Sort, read, fill, dry and fold, he explains. And try doing it every week so the mountain of undies isn’t emotionally overwhelming.
Hapless dad
The book’s only entry for “babies” is once again the intimidating baby hold. Fatherhood may be thorny if this is the only trick up your rolled daddy sleeves.
The urban survivalist
Hail her a cab, buddy. Standing at a street corner maximizes your chances. “Tuck in your shirt, and take off any garments that give you a juvenile look – a hockey jersey, your backward-turned baseball hat.” Now work that hand.
The outdoor survivalist
Not that you couldn’t take them in a fight, but storing food away from bears while you camp is prudent. Sling anything yummy-smelling in bags at least 12 feet off the ground from two trees, and hope for the best.
The gentle man
Feminism aside, practise the fine art of nonchalant chivalry. “You needn’t race ahead to pull a door open and pose like Sir Galahad. A swift last step will get you there ahead of your walking partner.”
The Man Test by Robert Dodenhoff
Equal opportunity guy
This one may delight the frugal gentleman in you: Modern dating etiquette now dictates that the party who asked for the first date will pay for said date – not the man.
Hapless dad
No rug rats running around this book, but a handy pop quiz asks, which method of birth control is 100-per-cent effective? The answer is c), abstinence. Now proceed to the next chapter, on alcohol.
The urban survivalist
You’re at a posh eatery and find yourself with gristle bobbing around in your mouth. “Calmly bring the napkin to your mouth and then push the inedible item into the cloth with your tongue.”
The outdoor survivalist
“Suddenly, and without warning, a shark attacks.” What does the modern male do? Mr. Dodenhoff advises jabbing your fingers into the shark’s beady eyes and cushy gills, its sensitive bits.
The gentle man
Positioning is everything. Take the outer edge of the sidewalk closer to the street to protect her from splashing puddles and exhaust fumes. Stand in front of her on the escalator: You’ll be better poised to save her from certain doom.
With Father's Day Approaching
Mr. Harper and the government can spare a thought for a 100 Billion dollar waste
of money called Family Court, Canada's War on Men, Canada's Male Sharia Law, and
how it is changing , decreasing Canada's birth rate which promises to be a
titantic size financial and legal problem of the future.
To resolve these problems, we need a "Legal Presumption of Equal Parenting", a
reform of family law, a reform of Child support guidelines, an END to Debtor's
prisons, and a real authority for the judiciary to deal with the most vile
examples of humanity in Canada, the underbelly of the Ontario Judiciary.
www.OttawaMensCentre.com